They. Are. Winning.
Posted January 13, 2017 by Prairie Wife - 13 comments
I usually feel like I can keep my sh!t together. I wouldn’t say I’m supermom or anything, but I feel I totally qualify as a “she does a fairly good job” kinda mom.
Today I give up.
I am done.
They. Are. Winning.
And by they I mean the Cowkids and all those nasty negative thoughts in my brain.
The mom guilt, the yelling, the swearing, the complete and utter lack of patience and balance…it’s completely won today.
The straw that broke this mama camels back was silly but oh man did it result in a mental breakdown today (yesterday by the time this post goes up)…let’s take a look at my week.
I realized at the last minute on Monday that I had a hair appointment. My hair appointments are sacred. My stylist is amazing, it’s a total pick me up that lasts for days, and it’s a generally kid free zone that I love. I rushed around and found a wonderfully fabulous friend that was willing to come out to the house and watch the kids and breathed a sigh of relief. Followed by the sinking feeling that this appointment was during my volunteer time at the kids’ school so for the second week in a row I had to bail, I hate doing that!
Minutes after solving this problem I get a call from my doctor that LittleMissH is behind on her shots, that they have no record of her one year well child check. I am the vaccination Nazi, my kids are into everything and around kids that don’t get vaccinations all the time, so I always stay on top of it. We were just there in November for flu shots and I asked if all of them were up on there shots and they said yes. But, what if? What if I’m wrong and they are right, and she didn’t get them and gets sick? SO I had to schedule that…
Then I accepted another side job this week. I couldn’t say no, I want to do this job. I love bogging (10-14 hours a week), I love being the Senior producer of the radio show Lea Unleashed (5-8 hours a week) and when the opportunity came to work with this amazing local artist, I had to say yes. He’s amazing, his work needs to be seen, and if I can help him get his stuff out there for the world to see…well it’d be an honor.
But it means more time trying to squeeze in productivity here and there. I can’t think of the last time I actually sat and read during a nap instead of working (which goes against one of my cardinal rules of parenting and keeping your mom sanity). So, yeah, my stress level went up a bit when I said yes.
The Cowboy is home way more which is both good and bad.
I can go workout one night a week in town, I have company, help with the kids, and help doing horse chores in the freezing weather.
But, I have to cook real meals more often, I have to be nice and social instead of ignoring the world and watching crappy TV after 8pm, and I can no longer stay up until 11pm guilt free to get work done.
My lists have been keeping me sane. The house is moderately clean, laundry is done, and homemade meals are on the table every night. I’m snuggling and reading to the Cowkids, getting homeschool preschool done, we’ve been getting to school on time. Prayers are being said and songs and kisses are handed out each night. Work deadlines are being met and my body is getting stronger each week. But…my patience is getting weaker.
Last night after a day of work (three days a month I put the two littlest Cowkids in daycare so I can work and workout)I came home with the Cowkids and expected to have a nice regular evening. I’d been gone all day and instead of a workout snuck in a movie with a friend. I was zen and I was ready to be present, I was feeling organized and energized. Except within the first 30min sh!t hit the fan. It was discovered that Zip the Wonder Dog learned to open doors and had hung out in the house all day. He consumed one pair of shoes and our Christmas Jackalope (may he rest in peace), LittleMissH unsealed a new bottle of honey and dumped half of it on the ground, Cowboy J practiced the clarinet (trust me this is no fun), Cowboy W had more than half his homework wrong and Cowgirl G pitched an epic tantrum over me telling her to do her homework…
I lost it and mid tantrum, listening to her crying and screaming about how her life is so hard pushed me over the edge, I shouted “I don’t give an F” except I didn’t say F.
They. Are. Winning.
I immediately took a deep breath said sorry and finished my lecture on all the reasons why her behavior was unacceptable. The kids slunk around for a bit and then things resumed their normal hustle and bustle.
I vented to my friend TheSurgeon and she said “So you’re having a mom moment. Anyone who says they don’t have those is a liar or not being a parent.”
TallGirlJ offered some support and despite the water well for the horse tank being broken and a few other things that went wrong we finished the night on a high note…still not broken yet.
Then today, my hair appointment day, my run around like crazy but it’ll be fine day.
Take kids to school, come back home. Quick publish the post for the day while LittleMissH colors on the wall and dumps dog food in the dog water. Clean up mess, friend comes over and I head to town for my hair appointment…and arrive five minutes early…BAM.
Except, the appointment is tomorrow (today now).
My hairstylist (and a single dad of two) gave me a hug, profusely apologized for not being able to squeeze me in (love that he even thought to) and I headed back home.
Over the course of my drive I lost it. I called TallGirlJ crying. It was the straw that broke this mama camels back.
It was the undisputable sign that I DID NOT have my ducks in a row. I was NOT #winning at life.
My balance was an illusion.
They. Are. Winning.
I cried I listened to TallGirlJ saying all the things I needed to hear and by the time I got home I was ready to give it another go.
I’m refocused, I’m taking deep breaths, I’m going to put my cell phone down more and I’m going to focus on what needs done first. The fact that “put away Christmas decorations” has remained uncrossed of my list for five days does not mean I’m failing.
To quote myself, from a Facebook Live I posted last week (oh the irony of that)…I got this.
I may not have it all, and I may not have it all the time, but I got THIS.
I’m looking above at all the things I did accomplish this week, I’m think about all the things that made me proud, and I refuse to focus on what I didn’t do.
Are Were. Winning.
It’s my turn to take over the game. I’m charging forward.
I got this. I am #strongenough.
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