Of Course I Struggle

Posted July 23, 2019 by Prairie Wife -

Earlier today I shared this post on my social media accounts.

The text that accompanied it read…

Of course I struggle. I struggle to make time to pray every day. I struggle with setting work aside when I’m home and focusing on my kids, and putting my kids aside and focusing on work when I’m in the studio. I struggle to find enough time. I struggle to find enough motivation. I struggle with doubt, guilt, insecurity, fear…I could go on and on. But I refuse to quit. And that is what makes all the difference. #strongenough

It was a reaction to something that I hear a lot, something that makes me feel equally proud and guilt-ridden at the same time.

“I don’t know how you do it all.”

My answer to this statement is almost always the same.

“I don’t.”

Because that’s the truth.

And I am nothing if not honest about my struggles.

Take a look at my Instagram feed and see laundry soap on the floor, in my stories right now it’s a picture of a trashed home…and there are more pics of an overloaded sink of dishes than I can count.

My marriage has been full of ups and downs, fighting for the energy to keep moving forward together instead of giving up.

Physically I have struggled with losing baby weight and the challenges of recovering from my preventive mastectomy.

I may or may not currently have Cancer.

I’ve struggled with depression, wondering if I am completely screwing up this parenting thing, and the loss of not one, but three babies.

I’ve dealt with death and despair.

And I’ve talked about all of these topics openly on the blog.

If you just read all the struggles in one big fell swoop, my tragedies are a bit overwhelming.

But that’s not how it worked.

That’s not how life is.

It was a struggle followed by calm or even ecstatic joy.

Smaller struggles of parenting a large family followed by the heartbreaking death of a loved one.

Months of peace, joy, contentment, and gratefulness.

Life is full of struggles.

But I refuse to quit.

I refuse to focus on them.

I’ve had my fair share of weeping, of moaning and complaining and griping and fussing.

But, I actively work hard to not stay stuck there.

I focus on the big picture of my life, my plans for the future.

I try not to get bogged down in the details.

I focus on what I can change, how I can react in a way that makes me proud of myself, and I pray pray pray.

Of course I struggle.

I just don’t quit.

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