Posted July 23, 2022 by Prairie Wife - 2 comments
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see.
It’s a song that brings me to tears every single time I hear it.
Whether in a commercial, a short video on Instagram, or being sung at church…I cry every single time I hear the song “Amazing Grace.”
I used to think it was because “Amazing Grace” is a song that has been sung at every family member’s funeral I’ve ever been to.
At Jon’s funeral, they had bagpipers playing “Amazing Grace.” and to this day, if I hear bagpipes, I have to actively work not to turn around and walk away until I can no longer hear their mournful sound.
But a few years ago, as we were singing “Amazing Grace” at the end of mass and I found myself yet again crying as I gaspingly tried to sing along, I realized it wasn’t sorrow at all that was causing me to cry.
Was Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.
It was joy and complete and utter gratitude for the fact that I am still here that brought me to tears.
Through many dangers, toils, and snares
We have already come.
I’ve talked over and over on this blog about how I’ve been forced to face my mortality multiple times.
But, at the risk of sounding condescending, it’s something that I don’t think you can truly understand until you’ve dealt with it.
Being told that three out of four of the valves in your heart aren’t working at the age of 16 will throw you for a loop.
Almost dying twice in roll-over car accidents in 2 years will force you to ask the question, “Why am I still here?” at least a few times…
Being told by one of the top blood cancer specialists in the world that they can’t understand why you’re up and moving and living your life so well, but “we’re just going to leave you alone because whatever is going on seems to be working for you.”
Well…it puts you on edge for a bit!
And it takes a whole lot of self-control not to slip into a downward spiral of anxiety and despair every time I have a few days in a row where I’m tired or just not feeling like myself.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far
And Grace will lead us home.
When there is a perfect and utter moment of ordinary joy happening around me, you’ll often find me holding back tears.
The Cowkids are so used to it that they don’t even bat an eye when they look over at mom, and she’s wiping away tears at the dinner table.
It’s the beauty of those moments that gets to me.
I’m in my lovely home, surrounded by my husband and all of my children. They’re laughing and talking about their day, two noise levels too loud while eating a meal I prepared for them. They’re healthy and don’t have a care in the world, and I’m so damn proud of the love and hard work that went into creating all of it that it makes me cry.
And in the back of my mind, I ALWAYS hear that little voice whispering that I better sure as hell appreciate this time because I don’t know how long it will last.
The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.
I admit that this is one of my more self-indulgent posts.
Musings and thoughts that have weighed heavily on my heart over the last few weeks…
But I wanted to take the time and share them with you.
As painful and hard as it can be to live the life we’ve been given, I’d still rather be here working my way through it than not.
As far as I know, I only have one chance to write my story, and I’m trying as hard as I can to make sure it’s a good one.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.
Sending strength to those of you that need it, peace to those of you that are aching, and reminding you to stop and breathe in the gift of the little moments of joy that make up our lives.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
Grit and Grace.
XOXOX Prairie Wife
PS Take all the damn pictures and “be that girl” because someday that’s all that will be left.
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