Preventive Mastectomy: Two Years Later
Posted April 30, 2018 by Prairie Wife - 9 comments
You think you have a handle on things, you’ve healed and moved on…and then you start to write a post and end up in tears.
Tears of sorrow as I am reminded of the physical and emotional pain caused by my choices.
Tears of gratitude for the support of friends and family, and for the knowledge that my journey is truly done.
Two years ago I underwent a Preventive Mastectomy.
Two years ago I began, not the first step, but certainly the scariest step, of what would be a year long journey.
As I drew closer to the two year mark I began to reflect on what I would write.
For me, part of that process was looking back at old blog posts and thinking about my journey as a whole.
The side by side pictures in this one made me feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my skilled and amazing surgeons.
At the one year mark I wrote this post…which has turned out to be one of the most popular posts on this blog. It was the one year mark of my mastectomy, but in truth it was only a few months after my last surgery.
Reading it again brought a lot of emotions back, holy cow there were some hard days and weeks…
I still vividly remember the weariness that came with each surgery. The overwhelming feeling of knowing I had to start all over again, back at square one each time. Feeling uncomfortable in my skin was my new normal.
The overwhelming theme of that first year was #strongenough
And I’m proud to say that I proved to myself over and over that I could tackle the obstacles that were in my way.
I trained for a half marathon, and finished 15 minutes under my goal time.
I learned to embrace my new body, to not feel ashamed of how much I liked the way I looked, and to stop wearing baggy shirts and clothing.
The best way to describe this process is calling it a second puberty.
The hormones, the confusion, hiding your body, seeking affirmation from your friends (thanks for putting up with my angst guys), the high highs and the lowest of the lows.
And then suddenly you realize…
I just went an entire day without thinking about my body.
I did a push up and it felt totally normal.
Without a thought I closed that sticky window in my house.
I just wiped off all the counters and the table without having to rest or switch arms.
Days go by with no stabbing pain or a random dull aches that lasts for hours.
I eventually got rid of the clothes that didn’t fit my new body, and bought some new items that showed it off, and WOW was it a healing process!
Yes, there are still challenges.
When I am trying something new physically, like skiing or getting back into a running routine after a break for winter, I know I’m probably going to ache for a few days afterwards.
I am #StrongEnough to push through the pain and use it as motivation to keep moving.
I feel like people are still making fun of me and judging me when I post pics on Instagram where I am wearing something that shows off my figure.
But you know what, those same people were probably doing that to me before I had this surgery too.
I am #StrongEnough to face my insecurities (and the haters) and be proud of my body.
It’s been terrifying to show physical and emotional weakness to the world. To post my ups and downs so openly, and there are times I worry that it’s too much. There are times I’m over taken with the anxiety of what others think about my openness…
Then someone messages me that reading my story gave them the strength to make the best choice for their family.
And I know I am #StrongEnough to share my weakness with others.
When you’ve faced the thought of an early death head on.
It makes it easier to take chances.
I am #StrongEnough to say yes to my dreams.
For those of you just beginning this journey, breathe and take time to process all the information. A day or two mulling over a decision, wrapping your mind around a choice you’ve just made is important. But, in the end, you need to suck it up and make those decisions. You need to stop taking in everyone else’s opinion and make the choice that is best for YOU.
For those of you in the middle of your journey, hang in there. Rest, give your body time to heal and your heart as well. Take a break from reading all the posts and articles and just chill. Parts of this suck, but I assure you good days are coming, and you are #StrongEnough to handle this path you have chosen.
For those of you who are at the end, rejoice! Be happy and proud and simply take a moment to look back and be amazed at yourself and grateful for all those who supported you.
You faced the possibility of death by Cancer.
Instead of waiting for the unknown you looked Cancer in the eye and threw the first punch…and this is something to be so damn thankful for.