Of this, I Have No Doubt

Posted December 18, 2018 by Prairie Wife - 2 comments

My story is not special.

Of this, I have no doubt.

There are millions of stories that are more tragic, more heart-rending than mine.

But, they aren’t mine.

And this one is.

It’s a story I’ve told a thousand times, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Most days I can look you clearly in the eyes and tell you about how I was in love before The Cowboy.

How an icy road flipped the truck.

The overpass sheered the top off and he threw himself on top of me.

How Jon gave his life for mine.

I knew it as I lay hanging upside down trapped by the snow and my seatbelt.

As I heard his pleas for help grow fainter.

As I clawed and screamed at those who meant to help, as they drug me out of the truck I called desperately for them to leave me alone and help him.

I’ll never forget how blood looks pooled in softly melting snow.

Some years the date December 21st has passed without me even realizing it.

And then when I notice, I am wracked with guilt.

Other years it comes and goes with a few tears, a need for quiet time spent in an empty church.

This year though is not one of those years.

woman walking away

It’s a year where as soon as the calendar flipped to December that date glared at me.

I knew I know, with the experience gained from almost two decades of grief that this year was going to suck.

God is good, all the time.

All the time, God is good.

Of this, I have no doubt.

It’s the reason my prayers in times of anguish always consist of one word, why?

Because I know there is plan, a plan for so much joy and blessings to come.

And I felt that if I just knew why…I could make it through the bad times…

Yet knowing the why, it doesn’t help.

I look at my husband and our home.

I hold our beloved children, in my arms every day.

And yet, some years it is not enough.

No, I don’t want to talk about it this week, on that day.

I’ll gently turn away from you if you ask.

Just let me go through the motions, let me cry tears with no need to explain.

I’ll be fine in a few days…of this, I have no doubt.

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2 thoughts on "Of this, I Have No Doubt"

  1. Lauralee Hensley says:

    Grief/Pain it is like a ringing bell. At first, the bell (grief/pain) is hit hard and it starts swinging back and forth at a fast rate. The grief/pain hits our hearts often and hard as the clacker inside the bell clangs the side of the bell as it swings. Yet, the momentum starts slowing down and the bell swings slower and slower and the clacker doesn’t strike as often or as hard. The bell can eventually come to a standstill. However, wind through our memories can come along and blow the bell pretty hard sometimes. The bell doesn’t need hit by human hands of tragedy, just the memories wind can get it moving again. So in this time of your memories wind, I wish you peace to come back into your life soon my Prairie friend.

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