Of this, I Have No Doubt

Posted December 18, 2018 by Prairie Wife - 16 comments

My story is not special.

Of this, I have no doubt.

There are millions of stories that are more tragic, more heart-rending than mine.

But, they aren’t mine.

And this one is.

It’s a story I’ve told a thousand times, and that’s not an exaggeration.

Most days I can look you clearly in the eyes and tell you about how I was in love before The Cowboy.

How an icy road flipped the truck.

The overpass sheered the top off and he threw himself on top of me.

How Jon gave his life for mine.

I knew it as I lay hanging upside down trapped by the snow and my seatbelt.

As I heard his pleas for help grow fainter.

As I clawed and screamed at those who meant to help, as they drug me out of the truck I called desperately for them to leave me alone and help him.

I’ll never forget how blood looks pooled in softly melting snow.

Some years the date December 21st has passed without me even realizing it.

And then when I notice, I am wracked with guilt.

Other years it comes and goes with a few tears, a need for quiet time spent in an empty church.

This year though is not one of those years.

woman walking away

It’s a year where as soon as the calendar flipped to December that date glared at me.

I knew, with the experience gained from almost two decades of grief that this year was going to suck.

God is good, all the time.

All the time, God is good.

Of this, I have no doubt.

It’s the reason my prayers in times of anguish always consist of one word, why?

Because I know there is plan, a plan for so much joy and blessings to come.

And I felt that if I just knew why…I could make it through the bad times…

Yet knowing the why, it doesn’t help.

I look at my husband and our home.

I hold our beloved children, in my arms every day.

And yet, some years it is not enough.

No, I don’t want to talk about it this week, on that day.

I’ll gently turn away from you if you ask.

Just let me go through the motions, let me cry tears with no need to explain.

I’ll be fine in a few days…of this, I have no doubt.

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16 thoughts on "Of this, I Have No Doubt"

  1. Lauralee Hensley says:

    Grief/Pain it is like a ringing bell. At first, the bell (grief/pain) is hit hard and it starts swinging back and forth at a fast rate. The grief/pain hits our hearts often and hard as the clacker inside the bell clangs the side of the bell as it swings. Yet, the momentum starts slowing down and the bell swings slower and slower and the clacker doesn’t strike as often or as hard. The bell can eventually come to a standstill. However, wind through our memories can come along and blow the bell pretty hard sometimes. The bell doesn’t need hit by human hands of tragedy, just the memories wind can get it moving again. So in this time of your memories wind, I wish you peace to come back into your life soon my Prairie friend.

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Thank you Lauralee!

  2. Cheryl McCaskill says:

    Beautifully written story of your life. I am ugly crying. It is so hard to lose someone young who died so tragically. I feel your sorrow but please feel no guilt. It happened that way for a reason that only God knows. You will see.him again!!! Thank you for sharing.❤❤

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Amen, and thank you for your kind words.

  3. John Daly says:

    It takes a lot of strength to share this story. I’m glad you have, and it says a lot about you. Grit and grace. Best wishes and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Thank you John, that means more than you know coming from someone I admire. Merry Christmas to you and yours as well.

  4. Laura Zook says:

    Godspeed, Dear Child of God. You are a precious blessing to anyone who has received the gift of meeting you. Thank you for sharing so eloquently with others.
    We love you and will continue to keep you and your precious family in our prayers.

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Thank you Laura, it has always been my goal to use this story to help others…however that looks.

  5. Nick Thill says:

    If he had to make the choice again, he would. In a heartbeat. That’s who Jon was. For those who knew Jon, his love for others and sacrifice will never be forgotten. NEVER. God has a plan for every single one of us. Sometimes his purpose for us is clear and concise and other times we will never understand what that purpose is.
    “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” JOHN 15:13
    You are amazing woman that Jon loved so much, he sacrificed himself for you. You now have a wonderful family which is an amazing blessing! This was his plan for you. I know this still doesn’t replace the grief and pain of you loss. May God bring you peace and comfort. God’s blessings to you and your family!

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Your kind words brought tears to my eyes, and peace to my heart. Thank you.

  6. Paula says:

    Grief does not understand “time”. There are years when my daddy’s death hits me the day of his passing, or the day we buried him, or in the middle of a Smith’s grocery store during the ramp up to the holidays, and others I recognize that I’m being surly and can’t figure out why then I realize the date. When those moments of grief hit hard and the crying becomes an outward and obvious sign of my pain, I try to consider the Jewish proverb that “tears are for the soul as soap is for the body”. My prayers for you this year as the anguish and questioning returns. It is not a lack of faith. It is human nature. Coach and I send you our best. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am confident it is helping someone else cope this holiday.

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Sometimes a good cry is exactly what we need. Thank you for your prayers and love to you, coach, and your beautiful family!

  7. Connie says:

    Cathy – your words ♥️
    I’ve been through some rough times myself and we always wonder the why… it’s hard sometimes to not be angry. We know Gods plan is bigger than what we think it is. I’m glad you allow yourself the emotions – all the emotions. You are truly an inspiration to so many. Hope, Faith, Love, Trust – all wrapped up in a big red velvet bow for you!!! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Like I said – you are truly an inspiration!!!

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      I like to think that having gone through hard things both helps me to help others up…and also makes me more compassionate when I see others struggling. Thank you for your kind words!

  8. Derrick says:

    As I read this, a tear came to my eye. It’s a love story with great loss. Some of us carry a heavy burden of guilt as survivors. Thank you for sharing. May we give thanks to God for the joys and lessons life brings, and pray for guidance as we still strive for purpose or understanding. Happy Holidays and much love to you and the Cowboy.

    1. Prairie Wife says:

      Thank you for your kind words; yes, survivor guilt truly is a heavy burden at times. Light and love to you and yours over the holidays too.

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